Leaving Childhood Behind

Who would have thought I would be caught in such a moment as now? When I first came to UP, I never thought I would be where I am today. I've been here two years and yet I know for myself that a lot has changed within me. Beyond all the learning and information I've gained, I've had personal struggles on different levels. I'd like to say that I've won or overcome and yet I have not. Everyday reflections about myself continue to haunt me and stare me at the face. Many times I've tried to run away from them hoping that I could escape and return to my personal childhood fantasies. Looking back, being a child for me seems easy. My life was a lot less complicated. It was never necessary to lock myself up in a room. No one really dared to pay so much attention nor require much of my attention. I could be who I am, not really caring about what other people would think of me. Of course I did, but one thing that proves I did not care so much as I do now, was that before, I didn't mind not having friends. People were then playmates. People are now companions. I desire to make lifelong friendships and everyday I look for people I could turn to. My world has truly expanded.
Traveling four hours every school day could get very exhausting. Almost everyday I come to UP though my routine is not monotonous. I couldn't really say that it's much of a routine anyway. I do not go to school the same way everyday nor do I get home the same way. I have a lot of options and with those options are a variety of activities I compel myself to go to. It's not a bad thing. My commitments help me develop though I would admit that I am physically drained anytime . It's such a frustration when I get sick or too tired. I feel helpless most of the times.
These frustrations started to pile up. At first I was just disappointed with my mediocre outputs. I was disappointed that I did not have the time to study to my satisfaction. I needed the finances for books and materials but I had none. I could not tell my parents for I knew that they will get disappointed and they had. I couldn't just tell my leaders for they always thought I was smart and that the academic aspect of my life did not require mending. Siblings, no. Friends, who? I was quite desperate to make-up for the time lost but I couldn't. I was being pulled down and it just got worse. I couldn't find external help and I wasn't able to handle things on my own. I just wanted to cry out and I did.
One Friday night found me crying for almost a whole hour. I was sitting at the church's auditorium when an acquaintance asked how I was. She said she felt the change in my aura and that God has moved her to come and talk to me. We chatted for a while and I was just pouring out my heart. One thing she said struck me, “Moms are the best people in the world, they always know the right things to say.” Little did she know that it broke my heart into pieces. My mom hated me at that time. I knew because she told me. I was disappointed with myself for my mediocre performance at all areas of my life. I couldn't find a friend who understood, my scholarship grant has not arrived for months, my parents were far from backing me up, and I felt ashamed in front of God for failing Him. There was too much for me to handle.
Everything was easier when I was younger. Though I wouldn't deny that I don't really consider it a childhood (I was a suicidal, bitter, bratty kid), I do understand that people would always let me get away with things: “She's a kid, what do you expect?” I was a free little bird in my cage. I had much room. The adults have set up rules I were bound in but it did not matter so much. I couldn't care less. I made up my own world in my head and I was happy there. I made all the rules, I made all my friends. was under authority but when I was alone, I had my own world, where everything was what I wanted it to be.
But of course, for any bird that's growing, the space to breathe in would get smaller. I wasn't transferred to a different cage. I just felt the bars this time. There they were, the reality of the adult's rules and expectations. I had no excuse, I had to fit in. It struck me square in the face that it was reality. I am caged and I had to realize it. I wasn't a little kid anymore who need not care.
All the expectations became pressure. I was used to excellence and it made me feel that I had to maintain it. My dad discouraged me a few years back and told me that I couldn't make it. I lived up to it for a while but now that my circles have expanded, there were other people's expectations I had to live up to, on top of myself. I desired to be the best of who I can be. I knew that there was room for improvement and I knew that I could but no. That certain Friday became a turning point in my life. I was crying during worship and there was my life and the people around me, people I trusted, people I relied on. They all failed me. I failed them. Even more, I failed myself. I was pouring out my heart to God and He reminded me that He was there. I had to run to Him. I did but things just don't go away.
Things started to get worse and my worries continued to haunt me. I found out that I couldn't really overwork myself. I could not make up for the lost time and it is now for this whole semester lost. I could only hope for a miracle.
Miracles are defined differently for the young. It's about fantasy and what is magical or anything beyond the powers of science. Now, I hope for them so I'd still be able to please myself and be pleasing to others. I wanted to prove to people that God was working in my life. Only a handful of people saw it, and it didn't include my family. I am not a kid anymore, or at least, that's what my parents would always say. I had to grow up before my time. This cage of tradition would always make you fit in though you do not. If you are not what you're supposed to be in their eyes, you're rejected. Being a kid, you only had to be who you really are in your own eyes. That makes the big difference.